I just cut my nipple shaving
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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