My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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