This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize