@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize