you guys were way drunker than both of me
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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