I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
