if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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