some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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