Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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