Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
