the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I wish you could order shots online.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
