Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
