when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no you cant smoke seaweed
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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