Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
