Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
she pinky promised me she was 18
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
