I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
