I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
