Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
