a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
