It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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