I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
