i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
