is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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