He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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