There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
