...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
