Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
