Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
