WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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