I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
