Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
