my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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