guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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