woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
