saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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