I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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