You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
