i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
