im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I look better un-naked...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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