When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just high enough for therapy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
