cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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