she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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