i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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