Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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