Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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