Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
