Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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