Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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