hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
