I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
