I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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