Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
