I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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