He uses pillows to masturbate.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
