sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
